Tag Archives: legacy

Ask Your Mother

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Well it’s Mother’s Day. I am ever aware of how grateful I am for mine, and for the honor of being a mother too.  Not everyone feels so great on this day.  I have a hard time on Father’s Day.  But for all of you, no matter what…there are people you love, who are older than you, and who have inspired you.  Here’s a list of questions that bring out a lot in those people.  We are honored to have the answers of my mother, and two mothers of Haven Writing Retreat alums HERE!  Pour a cup of tea on this fine morning, read, enjoy, and learn.  It’s all about the questions, after all.  (list of questions at the end)

Love,

Laura

Questions to Ask Your Mother:

Virgina 

1)    What would you like your descendants to know about you?

My whole life I’ve felt secure.  I’ve been very lucky.  Not everybody has had wonderful parents, and two wonderful marriages.

2)    What excites you?

I like the feeling of performing and meeting people’s expectations, whether it was my mother, or my teachers.

3)    What is your idea of a perfect day, from any time in your life?

I was twelve and it was my birthday, and my mother and father gave me a watch and a hay ride for my birthday party, and that stands out as one of my most favorite days. In Glenview, IL.  A gold watch—with a little black band—made out of a twisted woven sort of material.  A HAY RIDE IS SUCH FUN!  AND IT WAS A SURPRISE!  That was 74 years ago!

4)    If you could ask your mother or father one question, what would it be?

I have a genealogical question I would ask them:  Who was Seth Aldrich’s father? (Spencer, MA—married Mary Knight (Holly), married in 1804, and had Jefferson, who had William Elliot, who had Hilan Duane, who had Jefferson Elliot, who had me.

5)    When they say, “don’t sweat the small stuff,” what specific small stuff should I not sweat?

You should sweat the small stuff.  I’m a perfectionist.  And I haven’t changed what I want to be perfect in my life.

6)    What are some things you spent a lot of time on in your life that in hind-sight weren’t worth it?

Nothing.

7)    What is your favorite swear word?

shistervonboodlebottom

8)    What should I look for in a friend?

You want someone you can trust, who is loyal, who loves you, and has your best interests at heart, and who would never want to hurt you, and who cares deeply about you.  And there are not many people like that.  You’re lucky if you have three friends in your life, who you would do anything for and they’d do anything for you and you’d stop your life for them.  They remember my anniversary, and details, and they care.

9)    What should people look for in a partner?

Someone who has a belief in God, and who you can trust.

10) What is your advice on marriage?

Marry someone that you can trust.  Who you know adores you and you adore them.  Who you would do anything for and they would do anything for you.  And they would make the effort to make sure it lasts forever, and would never do anything to hurt you.  Someone you admire and respect.  You have to give all of yourself—you marry someone for better for worse, and you don’t give up.

11) What is your advice on aging?

Try and take care of yourself, exercise, be more flexible, because things don’t go the way you wished as you age.

12) When in your life have you been most happy?

Being married to your father.  I loved when he walked through the door.  I adored your father.  Just to see him and be with him, knowing he loved me, and he’d change his clothes and take the kids, and have dinner, and go outside and garden.  I could count on him.  I could trust him.  He would take care of those topiary trees.  He was always working to make sure that things were just perfect.  All of our friends hired gardeners and we never did.

13) What is the value of school?

To learn all that you can to help you in life later on.  Two examples:

In 7th grade, Miss Lawrence who was very demanding, and was my English teacher.  I felt challenged and supported by her.

There was a woman at Bennett name Miss Cody, and also expected you to do the best you could do.  She scared the hell out of me.  I wanted to do what she wanted me to do.

14) What gets you out of bed in the morning?

Knowing all that I have to do.  I’m a day person.  My friends say that I do five times what they do in a day, so I have to get up early to accomplish it all.

15) What is your advice to parents:

Make sure that as parents, you are honest with each other and in good communication.  And are a united force.

16) What is your advice on money?  Save it or spend it or a little of both?

Be as wise as you can be about how you spend your money, but knowing that you’re not going to live forever, you might as well do what you want and travel.  I try not to order the most expensive thing on the menu.  Know how much money you have.  You don’t want to be in debt.  We were never trust fund children, so we had to borrow money.  That’s why I started my business so I could make extra money to support us. I might not have started my business if I had more money.

17) What are three places I must see on this planet?

Israel—knowing that Jesus was there

Thailand—so exotic

Africa—looking at all the animals free and in the wild

Nepal—rode elephants to look for tigers

Loved going to Norway and all the Fjords

Alaska—islands

India was too dirty.  Liked Agra.

18) What are some words to live by?

Be honest.  Do your best.  Be all that you can be.  Be kind to others.

19) What makes me special?

You’re able to support your family, be everything for your family, and you work so hard and you are amazing and I don’t know anyone who can do all that you do.  I don’t know when you sleep.

20) When I am your age, what should I strive for?

To be somebody who people respect, and to have done the best job you knew how to do.  Your father used to say that on my gravestone it should read, “At least she tried.”

21) What are your hopes for this planet?

That we never have war.  That we have peace.  That people will love each other.  And we can be environmentally safe.

22) What would you like your legacy to be?

To have people remember me with love.  And that I was the keeper of memories.  I had a different color photo album for each child.  I didn’t put your photos in a shoebox.  I tried!

23) When you get to the Pearly Gates, what will you say to God?

I hope I’m worthy to be here.

Haven Writing Retreat Alum, Kim Smith’s mother:  Madalenne 

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1) What would you like your descendants to know about you?
That I was loving, kind, and generous. Unless you’re giving me bad service – then I’m a bit of a pill. But, otherwise, loving, kind, and generous.
2) What excites you?
Projects and challenges! Keeping busy and staying productive is so important - there’s really no age at which that doesn’t hold true. I’m currently the volunteer librarian at a local Catholic high school, and am thoroughly enjoying putting their library and their textbook dispensary in order. The Dewey Decimal System is a thing of beauty!
3) What is your idea of a perfect day, from any time in your life?
The first time I became a mother is the closest thing to a perfect day in my life that I can recall.
4) If you could ask your mother or father one question, what would it be?
“Can you please tell me the details of your family history?”
5) When they say, “don’t sweat the small stuff,” what specific small stuff should I not sweat?
Someone else’s idiosyncrasies! Remember that you, too, have idiosyncrasies, and that you cannot change someone else’s behavior – it’s a waste of precious energy to try. So, as the young folks say “Just chill!”
6) What are some things you spent a lot of time on in your life that in hind-sight weren’t worth it?
Trying to change someone else’s idiosyncrasies!
7) What is your favorite swear word?
While I may, or may not, have used the colloquial word for bull feces once or twice in my life, my “go-to” expletive is “numb nuts!”
8) What should I look for in a friend?
The best friends possess a magical combination of kindness, loyalty, intelligence, and good humor. When you find them, do all you can to cherish them and keep them close. They, along with your children, are life’s great treasures.
9) What should people look for in a partner?
Love. Generosity. Fidelity. Shared interests and goals. A sense of humor.
10) What is your advice on aging?
Keep your sense of humor (are you sensing a theme?!). Stay busy. Stay loving and caring, and focus, as best you can, on your blessings, and not your burdens. Choose happiness.
11) When in your life have you been most happy?
Having lived a life rich with happiness – in both small moments of quiet joy and of overwhelming bliss – I cannot isolate any particular time or year, and call it my happiest. Having said that, the years we spent on Chicago’s North Shore, raising our children, being involved in rugby (and so many other things), and making lifelong friends, was a very special time for me.
12) What is the value of school?
The value of education is incalculable. If you aim to be a happy and productive human, capable of enriching the lives of others, get thee to school! The best education inculcates not only knowledge, but also character, compassion, and integrity. And NEVER stop learning. Never, never, never.
13) What gets you out of bed in the morning?
Prayers, projects, and challenges. Also, cortisone shots and a not-insignificant amount of Motrin.
14) What is your advice to parents?
Demonstrate, every day in every way possible, the following qualities: love, positive communication, thoughtfulness, compassion, patience. Be kind and respectful to everyone you come in contact with, and there is a far greater chance that your children will grow up to be kind and accepting as well. Remember…they are always watching you, always listening to you. Show them the kind of person you’d hope them to be.
15) What is your advice on money? Save it or spend it or a little of both?
Are you joking?! I am the last person anyone should seek financial advice from.
16) What are three places I must see on this planet?
Oxford, Florence, St. Petersburg.
17) What are some words to live by?
“Nothing is worth more than this day.”
18) What makes me special?
The inner beauty you have always possessed. Your kindness and thoughtfulness. Your intuitive understanding of family, friends, and associates, that enriches them all.
19) When I am your age, what should I strive for?
Humor. Activity. Acceptance. Serenity!
20) What are your hopes for this planet?
The return of the Messiah. This is what I devoutly wish for this troubled, wonderful, singular planet of ours.
21) What would you like your legacy to be?
My legacy is a living one…the jewels in my crown, my extraordinary children, Kim, Paige, and Richard, who have already made this world, and the many lives they’ve touched, a better place.
22) When you get to the Pearly Gates, what will you say to God?
At Last!
Haven Writing Retreat Alum Cathy Kenworthy’s mother-in-law, Lucille

1.  I would like my descendants to know I love them more than anything in the world.
2.  What excites me – A good Symphony or Opera
3.  One Mother’s Day with my Mother and three children in a little mountain town. And my 75th Birthday in NY.
4.  If I could ask my mother or father one question what would that be? Do you wish you had had more than two children?
5.  Don’t sweat what you cannot change.lucille_in_maine
6.  In hindsight I would not be jealous – ever.
7   My favorite swear word is s___.   Sorry about that.
8.  In a friend I demand loyalty.
9.  In a partner – same thing but unconditional love.
10.  On aging – enjoy the benefits, forget the tribulations.
11.  I was most happy when my three children were in their teens.
12.  I don’t know what I would do without school.  I enjoy learning.
13.  Time of the day gets me out of bed in the morning.
14   Advice to parents – Know what is going on with your children and care about it.
15.  Advice on money – spend it!
16.  Two of the places I must see on this planet I have already seen – Italy, Great Britain. Would like Galapagos.
17.  Words to live by – Golden Rule.
18.  What makes you special:  There are many things– you are exceptional.  Bright, beautiful, caring.
19   At my age – don’t change what you are striving for – same as what you are striving for now.
20.  My hopes for this planet – environmentally in much better shape than it is now.
21.  What I like my legacy to be – a happy family.
22.  When I get to the Pearly Gates I will say I am so glad to have made it there – instead of the other place.

THE QUESTIONS.  Call your mother today if you can.  Ask her some of these questions.  Cherish the moment.  Keep the answers.  And if your mother isn’t available, ask someone else’s mother, or mother-in-law, or your father, or an elder in your world.  It’s a gift to them too.

1)    What would you like your descendants to know about you?

2)    What excites you?

3)    What is your idea of a perfect day, from any time in your life?

4)    If you could ask your mother or father one question, what would it be?

5)    When they say, “don’t sweat the small stuff,” what specific small stuff should I not sweat?

6)    What are some things you spent a lot of time on in your life that in hind-sight weren’t worth it?

7)    What is your favorite swear word?

8)    What should I look for in a friend?

9)    What should people look for in a partner?

10) What is your advice on aging?

11) When in your life have you been most happy?

12) What is the value of school?

13) What gets you out of bed in the morning?

14) What is your advice to parents?

15) What is your advice on money?  Save it or spend it or a little of both?

16) What are three places I must see on this planet?

17) What are some words to live by?

18) What makes me special?

19) When I am your age, what should I strive for?

20) What are your hopes for this planet?

21) What would you like your legacy to be?

22) When you get to the Pearly Gates, what will you say to God?

Now booking our fall 2018 Haven Writing Retreats! From book writers to journal writers and everything in-between, Haven will meet you where you need to be met! Come find your voice in the woods of Montana!

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Holidays Re-invented: A Spoon Funeral

Processed with VSCO with b1 presetHolidays are my haven, and not for reasons you’d imagine.  Sure, as a child it began with We Gather Together, and the Macy’s Day Parade, Santa Claus, and presents, and lunch under the Christmas tree at Marshall Fields, gingerbreadmen and sugar cookie iced snowflakes, listening to Bing Crosby by the fire and dreaming into the bright colored bulbs with blurred eyes—so that it all looked like a jewel-toned menagerie of the ultimate Christmas kiss.  That was all yes, magic.  But to me, the haven of it was in the people the holidays brought home.  Holidays meant that my people came back.  My sister and brother back from school.  Relatives in rooms we never used.  The living room and dining room came alive.  The house was full.  We were “the whole family.”

We prepared for those who would come, with those who came before them.  My mother would let me set the table with her grandmother’s soup porringers and aspic plates with gold edges framing forget-me-nots and cabbage roses.  She’d open cupboards that hung dormant all year until Thanksgiving, through to New Years, and pull shiny things from their shelves:

“These were your father’s mother’s Steuben crystal Teardrop Trumpet goblets.  Your grandfather gave these to her as a special Christmas gift in the 1930s.  They were farm people.  I’m sure he didn’t give her much at their wedding.  But by then he was the head engineer of a corn syrup factory.  Each of these is worth at least $150 a piece.  I’m not sure she ever used them.”  She’d hold each one like a tiny bird and wipe their rims with a soft cloth before she set them on the dining room table.

I wanted to touch them, but I didn’t dare.  She’d never let me get near them, but she would let me set out Aunt Eleanor’s silver.  I memorized the words she assigned to it:  Towle.  Old Georgian pattern from the 1800s, with ionic columns and rosebud wreaths.  My favorites were the teaspoons, with the roses running around the back of the spoon’s head.  I’d run my fingers over them and feel transported into other days before television and cars and airplanes that took big sisters and brothers away to boarding school and college, and fathers away on business trips.  The laying out of these shiny things meant that we’d be together around this table, our faces dancing in candlelight, the silver and china and crystal reflecting it all back.  The chandelier sending spectrums of starlight back down over us.  I watched a lot of faces in those spoons.IMG_9358

So for a long time, after I inherited these things, I kept them locked in a china cabinet, or hidden in boxes in eaves.  Then with our children still small, we built a house.  I fought for a dining room.  “We’ll be the family that uses it.  I promise!  We’ll have countless dinner parties and holiday soirees.”  And we did.  And I’d bring the shiny things out beforehand, telling my children the same stories, naming the names and wiping down these delicate surfaces as my mothers and mothers before me had, as I placed them on the table.

And then everything changed.

The man sitting at the head of the table no longer sat there, and I was thinking more about what I’d have to sell in order to keep the house, never mind what to put on the table.  There was a day when I stood in front of this china cabinet and thought, “They’d want me to sell that Steuben.  Wouldn’t they?  They’re resourceful farm people.  They’d want me to make my mortgage with their crystal.  Wouldn’t they?  I’ll become an Ebay wizard.  I’ll sell all of this stuff, even though every piece of it brings me back to my peopled world.”  Where I felt safe, and protected, loved and special.  That feeling was inside me, wasn’t it?  The three of us would still gather together.  It just wouldn’t be with two hundred year old plates that came to Illinois in a covered wagon during the Homestead Act, and then to Montana when my parents’ sold their home of forty-five years.  It just wouldn’t mean that we ate our turkey with the Towle, or stirred honey into our tea with the silver that was dug underground before the Yankees raided our ancestral home in Camden, Arkansas during the Civil War.  Aunt Eleanor’s rose-clad ionic columns would hold another hand steady in another room somewhere.  The shiny things would become our eyes dancing off of each other, not off of silver spoons.  And that would be okay.  My ancestors were house people.  They’d want me to do everything I could to keep it.

So one day when the kids were at school, I went into every eave, the attic, the dormant cabinets, took it all out, and splayed it on the dining room table.  My family story in shiny things.  I wanted to shake with silent wails.  But I shook it off instead.  I had to stop seeing these things for their stories and their people.  These were just things, after all.  Weren’t they?

I couldn’t think about it.  I had work to do.  I started to research the cost of it all.  Nine crystal bowls for my wedding that I’d never used?  Those would be the first things to go.  Actually, all of my wedding china and crystal and silver—that hurt me the most.  It had been chosen with such hope, such belief in the future.  Part of that future came.  Most of it didn’t.  I’d been saving my wedding china for the part that didn’t.  Most of the parties we’d had weren’t formal.  They happened around bonfires and in the living room with mugs of hot cider and breakable risks in semi-shiny things.

“I should save it for the kids,” I thought.  But how sick was that.  They’d be better off with the china and silver and crystal from the parents whose marriages lasted, and whose tables were peopled in the way they’d set out to create.  “I’ll sell the wedding china.  And the crystal.  That’ll take care of another mortgage payment until I can get on my feet.”

Processed with VSCO with b5 presetBut when I got to Aunt Eleanor’s silver, the ionic columns and the rose wreaths, I ran my finger over the back of the spoon head, and sighed.  Aunt Eleanor hadn’t had children.  Aunt Eleanor had given me my first Emily Dickinson.  Aunt Eleanor had travelled the world and taught me to love stories of the finer things.  And she had passed these down to me, along with a farm—the original Homestead.  I owned those two things.  And I decided then that I would not sell them.  They were the comfort, the security of my people, long gone, but still dancing in these spoons if I looked closely enough, if I looked in just the right way.

It turned out that didn’t sell any of it.  I asked myself a different question, instead:  “what do I know how to do that I can monetize without selling my legacy?”  And I gave myself permission to create a business out of what I’d spent my adult life mastering—and started facilitating people’s creative self-expression by using what had sustained me all my life:  the written word.  Out of the ashes, as it were, rose Haven Writing Retreats.  So it makes sense then, that I use my shiny, storied things on my retreats.  New people around this table, lips to Steuben as they tell their stories, real and imagined.  Lifting my homemade food to their mouths with my Aunt Eleanor’s Towle as they think-tank their books and characters.  Share about their process and projects– new faces spinning in the silver, refracted by the chandelier that hangs above us.  The dining room is alive again!

But on my last retreat, ‘tis true:  a spoon was lost.  A Towle teaspoon.  I’m sure it was an honest mistake.  My mother used to count her silver after a dinner party, and often ended up rifling through the garbage in search of lost silverware.  I found myself doing the same that night, after all the candles were blown out and the good day spent from word play and the people too for the same reason.  Alas, no spoon.

And there was a time when I think I would have cried about it.  Bemoaned this loss.  Felt less secure because of it.  Or like an irresponsible person who shouldn’t be handling the shiny things, no matter what her age.  My mind parading with, I should have left them in the shiny suburbs of Chicago where they would have survived.  Not my Montana life, which came with a bit of country road dust on it.  There was a time that I might have just given it a damn…spoon funeral.  I’m not kidding.  You’d give your goldfish a funeral, wouldn’t you?

But it wasn’t that way at all.

Instead, I took in a short breath and a shorter sigh.  One less spoon.  If I could fill my dining room with such brilliant minds and open hearts and a spate of candlelight flickering off smiles and so many glittering surfaces, it was worth losing a piece of shiny something every time until there was nothing left.  Because what matters is what is gathered:  the people.  The people.  The elegance:  their minds.  Their hearts.Processed with VSCO with b5 preset

So this holiday season, my children and I will gather with yes, our shiny things, less a spoon.  But this year, it all won’t be so cold and dusty and faraway when we bring it to the table.  It will be recently used.  Maybe a little tarnished from being out in the air.  And maybe even chipped or without their perfect placing.  But they will hold new stories.  New people.  New hope.  New future.

A spoon funeral?  The funeral that the spoon inspired was instead for my old life.  And it came with no great pageantry.  Rather, a short sigh.  Because three out of four of us are where we are used to being for the holidays.  We are grateful.  We are blessed.  We are family.  Shiny things or not.

Now Booking Haven Writing Retreats 2018

You do NOT have to be a writer to come– just a seeker who loves the written word, and trusts the power of the wilderness of our Montana Haven to inspire the wilderness of your unique mind!  Come find your voice this February…  For more info, and to contact the Haven team, go here!

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