Relationship Questionnaire

 

Sometimes I wonder if the divorce rate would be so high if we could tailor make a questionnaire for our love interests to fill out before we step into the abyss of a serious relationship.  I’m not talking about a Match.com sort of questionnaire.  I’m talking take-no-prisoners, pedal-to-the-metal, full-frontal, in- your-face, cut-to-the-chase, head-for-the-hills stuff you would only dare to say out loud in the woods, walking alone with your dogs.  Of course, I’d NEVER actually have the guts/gall to do it.  But making a personal, private list might serve some purpose.

Stuff like:  (indulge/humor me a little here)

1)
Do you like to kiss?  If so, do you consider it merely foreplay?

2)
Precisely how many hours a week would you like to be with me?

Please break that down into the below categories:

Talking/ Doing chores/ Having sex/ Cooking/ Watching TV/Cultural outings/ Social outings/ Dates/ Family time/ In-law time/ Physical activities (not including sex)

3)
Do you call your mother?

4)
Do you tell your father you love him?

5)
What’s the worst thing that happened to you as a child?  What’s the best thing?

6)
Who is your best friend and why?

7)
Has anyone close to you ever died and how did you deal with grief?

8)
Do you like to sing and/or play an instrument?

9)
Do you care if I gain weight?  If so how much is too much?

10)
What is your filthiest habit?  Do you drink?  If so, do you get mean when you drink? How much do you drink?  How about smoking?  Drugs?

11)
Would you say that your family of origin is dysfunctional?  If so, rank it on a scale of 1-10, ten being totally cray cray.

12)
What books are on your bedside table?

13)
What’s the kinkiest thing you’ve done, sexually?

14)
What’s your deal-breaker as far as break-up goes?

15)
Have you ever cheated on a girlfriend/spouse?

16)
In a pinch, do you lie to get yourself out of a sticky situation?

17)
If you could describe yourself in three words, what would they be?

18)
Have you ever stolen anything?  If so, what was it?  How did you feel afterward?

19)
What kind of body are you planning to have when you’re fifty?  Seventy?  Do you plan on making it to 80?  What about 90?  If so, what’s your strategy?

20)
Do you want children?  If one had some sort of handi-cap how would you handle that?

21)
Why do you like me?  Give me at least ten reasons but no more than twenty because then I’ll know you’re bullshitting me.  (You’re about to run for the hills, aren’t you.  I can see it in your eyes.  Hang on—I’ll change my tone.  I’m flexible that way FYI.)

22)
On road trips, are you generally a conversationalist?  On road trips do you like to play music?  Can you take LOUD?

23)
Could you love a woman who listens to opera?  (not on road trips)

24)
Could you love a woman who still listens to the Indigo Girls?   (maybe on a road trip)

25)
Could you love a woman who ummm…still listens to James Taylor, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell, Carol King and…ummm…in a rare moment…John Denver?  Or who would make a mixed CD with the aforementioned…and maybe throw in a little Violent Femmes and Nirvana for flavor?  NOT that I have ever done that.

26)
Could you love a woman who ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm—hang on I need a glass of wine for this one:  knows every word to A Chorus Line, Godspell,
Pippin, My Fair Lady, Annie, and uh…don’t worry, not Phantom or Les Miz…but maybe (slurp) Cats?

27)
Could you love a woman who would publicly mock you if you wore tightie whities?

28)
(but let’s get back to you)  Do you watch Saturday Night Live?

29)
What about Ellen?

30)
What about Jimmy Fallon?

31)
What about Glee?

32)
What about Smash?

33)
What about golf on television?  On a sunny day.  All day.  In August.

34)
What’s your Rorschach for parades?

35)
Have you ever or would you ever wear clogs?

36)
Have you ever or would you ever live in a foreign country?  Like say, Italy?  Tuscany, to be specific?  In a villa?

37)
Would you ride horses with me?

38)
Would you ever want me to play golf with you?  And if so, would you be kind?

39)
Can you shoot a decent game of pool?

40)
Do you pray?

41)
Do you know what foie gras is?  If so, do you like it?  Because that might be a deal breaker for me if you don’t.

42)
Would you ever be angry with me if I left crumbs on the counter?

43)
What about dishes in the sink?

44)
What about large piles of laundry rivaling Mt. Hood?

45)
Do you expect your woman to…you know…wax…down…there?

46)
Do you give foot massages?

47)
If your son or daughter was gay, how would you handle it?

48)
What are your top three places on earth that you want to visit?

49)
What’s on your bucket list?

50)
I repeat, do you watch golf on television?  How much ESPN do you watch in general?

51)
Do you eat bacon?  (See the foie gras question)

52)
What’s your favorite swear word and how often do you say it and do you say it a lot when you have sex?

53)
Would you ever burp/fart at the dinner table?

54)
Do you believe that chivalry is dead?

55)
DO YOU SNORE?  If so, would you be opposed to separate bedrooms?

56)
What did you get on the SAT’s?

57)
Did you think your last partner (if applicable) was better for having spent that part of their life with you?

58)
What do you think about marriage vows?

59)
What do you think about marriage?

60)
What do you think about divorce?

61)
When’s the last time you got called an asshole and why?

62)
What is your relationship like with yourself?

63)
Have you ever been arrested?

64)
Have you ever hit a person or gotten in a physical fight?  Do you have a bad temper?  Are you passive aggressive?

65)
How emotionally dependent are you, in relationships?

66)
Do you cry?

67)
What is your idea of a perfect Sunday?

68)
What is your sense of God?

69)
Wanna start this off by going to therapy with me?

Yeah…better off leaving it to the walk with the dogs in the woods.  But kind of a fun exercise.  You might want to give it a whirl.

(Thank you to my Facebook friends for helping me conjure this list.)

Yrs.

Laura

31 Comments

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31 Responses to Relationship Questionnaire

  1. Autumn

    Fantastic list!!!!

  2. Well my Dear being an internet dater- as where else can I meet a man these days….those are some damn good questions. Especially “what do you think of yourself?” Having just been dumped , which came as a total freaking shock as I thought I was in one of the best relationships of my life, I can honestly say I really didn’t know who I was dating. And he now admits he really doesn’t know himself or at the moment like himself. He sure kept it well hidden. So “right on” to those probing questions as internet dating is filled with pipe dreamers and quite honestly liars.

    • lauramunson

      Sorry to hear this, Gail. You are brave. Probably couldn’t handle that in you. Keep the faith and keep riding. ox Laura

  3. Yes, I will giving this to someone BEFORE we get too serious! I laughed so hard I cried. If they do when they read it then I will know that we are meant to be together! LOL! Love Ya!

  4. Kristin Hatfield

    Love this Laura! Thank you for sharing it! I think we need to ask ourselves those same questions, deeply and honestly, with humor included….and KNOW who we are FIRST. <3 this!

    • lauramunson

      I totally agree. Know thyself first. I also think it would be an honor to be asked these questions… Can you imagine? yrs. Laura

  5. Alison Bolshoi

    Laura, I just love you so much. I strive to be real in my life, every day. You write from the most real place inside you that I have ever experienced from any writer. I know we made contributions, but you envisioned it and you put it all together. I’m sharing this with EVERY SINGLE SINGLE WOMAN I KNOW. It is spectacular. I WISH I had had something like this with the first sixty + men I was with before my husband.

    • lauramunson

      Thanks so much for receiving my raw truth. And for passing this on. I think in its humor, there are some very important points, thanks to my Facebook friends! yrs. Laura (did you note the opera question????)

  6. Don Stifler

    OMG you are so on target. I am taking this to my next life. When you start this one married at 19 I was to smart for this. I was married three times, 12, 25, and 12 years to three wonderful women. I would have loved to have been able to make it with just one. I think I could pass this test at 75, and I do cry watching Hallmark movies or reading a good book like yours. this needs to be circulated. I’m giving a copy to my five sons and 10 grandchildren.
    See you in August.
    Blessings
    Don

  7. Alison Bolshoi

    Oh yeah, and I laughed my ass off. Tears streaming …

  8. What a great list!! I love all the questions. Wondering, though, what it says about me that I bring up most of them on the first date : )

  9. jen

    YES! sharing this on my dinner date tonight. wish me luck!

  10. mommy02906

    This is very very good, but you might be missing: Do you like and would you own a dog? Do you believe in corporal punishment? How did your parents parent you, if applicable? Do you still consider yourself a child or are you “grown up?” If you know yourself, do you like yourself? Who is responsible for your happiness? Do you believe people are generally good or bad? What do you think about Darwin? Do you like chocolate?!?!

    • lauramunson

      LOVE these! I’m going to do a Part Two with people’s additions so stay tuned. Will definitely include yours. yrs. Laura

  11. Kathy

    Laura, as always thanks for being so candid and humorous. After re-reading the list something struck me. There are many questions that I would have answered differently twenty five years ago than how I answer them today. So even if you ask and receive honest answers to these questions there is no guarantee that both parties are going to grow and evolve at the same rate or for that matter in the same direction. Life continues to be ever changing and challenging. Looking forward to the second installment!

    • lauramunson

      Thanks, Kathy. I totally agree. It’s a fun mind experiment, but not really one that would work in “real life” I don’t think. yrs. Laura

  12. Wifeandmother

    Hi Laura, thank you for this, and thank you too for your book/memoir which I have just finished. It made me cry in parts, and has become a good friend. I might start it again! I am two and a half months thru a difficult patch in my marriage (starting with those terrible words) but things are getting better week by week. I can’t wait to get back to the closeness we once knew – perhaps even closer. I have learnt a lot both from the rocky period, and from your book.

  13. I read these out loud to my husband. We loved the questions! Fortunately, my husband and I did pre-marital counseling and continued after we were married because we enjoyed it so much.
    A few to add to the list:
    Do you have sleep issues like: nightmares, restless leg syndrome?

    How are you with money? Free-spender or a saver?

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  16. Oh my goodness, I’m in love with this list. And, honestly – I did something VERY similar with my last boyfriend – before we ever met. It was just this kind of thing! And it worked really well, actually – we got a lot of important discussions rolling before we ever saw each other…. we were practically in love by our first date. Made for quite a nice foundation for a great relationship (1 1/2 years…). LOVE the article. Can’t wait to read more!

  17. Val

    These are great! But I suppose it’s too late to hash this out w/my hubby of almost-10-yrs, ain’t it?!?

  18. S.Murali Krishna Raman

    love gave Great experience and understand ourself and others

  19. chris

    I just want to say that I have used this list to screen the boys my daughter’s have brought home, and boy does it work! I added a few extras, like: 5 year plan; 10 year plan; will your planned occupation support your family; what is your current GPA; what college did/do you go to; and other, as well. These questions really get someone thinking when they hear the responses from their prospective ‘other’. I have watched my daughter and her friends get out of a relationship if your questions didn’t have good answers! ;)

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