Memorial Day Re-visited

Every year Memorial Day gets a little easier. My father died on this day, May 31st, seven years ago. He would have been an old man by now. He would have been miserable. He couldn’t stand it that his 86 year old body wouldn’t let him skim down the stairs at the Northwestern train station in Chicago anymore. He couldn’t stand it that he couldn’t figure out how to “work a computer.” He couldn’t stand that all of his years of service to the freight car industry was not hailed, but rather, that he was quickly being lost and forgotten, even though he went into the city five days a week to try to do what he considered, good work. When his younger, more techno savvy business partner died suddenly of a heart attack, it was no coincidence that my father went home that night and had a stroke. He died a month or so later. We were all there. We helped him die– with opera and weather shows, Marx Brothers movies and family stories. He had to go and we all knew it. Like I said, he would have been a miserable old man.

I’ve written a lot about my father in my book, so I won’t repeat it here. But I will mention a bit about grief. I have learned that it is as physical as it is mental, and the emotion of it feels at times impossible to control. I talk a lot about powerfully choosing your emotions. That happiness is a choice. That freak outs are a choice. But grief? Maybe you can teach me something about grief, because to me, it doesn’t feel all choice. It feels like its own category, both visceral and emotional. Sort of like fear.

In the first years after his death, it was like my adrenal system was engaged in fight or flight. Like if it wasn’t for my adrenals, I would have died in the trenches in what seemed a certain war. Year by year, it has become less so. It feels more like fighting a cold now, than fighting an enemy. I write that pain can be our guide, and I believe this with all my heart. Maybe what I have learned about the pain that comes with grief has to do with welcoming it. Not resisting it. Knowing that it is going to be part of life now. Death doesn’t go away. The loss of the physical presence of my father will not go away. I can’t call him. I can’t tell him about my day. I can’t ask him how he is. He isn’t.

Last night we had the neighbors over for a Memorial Day picnic. Usually I talk about my dad on this weekend. I raise a glass, tell a story, look through old photos. This year, I didn’t want to. Instead, this year, I wanted to be quiet about it. I wanted to keep my grief for myself. We sat around the fire and listened to the frogs in the marsh and the owl in the woods and swatted mosquitos, and did our annual burning of the Christmas tree. That hot roar was what met and blessed my grief. That was enough.

And in the night, while I slept, I had a dream. I was in my childhood bed and my father came in and sat on the edge of it as he often did for storytime, only he was gasping and saying, “Lord Jesus” over and over again. And I knew I couldn’t save him. It was between him and his God. Instead, I held him while he died in my arms. Maybe another year of grief died in my arms in my dreams last night. Who knows what the fire did when it roared its heat. But this morning, on the actual day of his death, I feel like I finally let him go.


Addendum:
Here is a poem that struck me so hard just now. I called a dear friend today wanting to somehow cry a little, and he sent me here, to these words. There are no coincidences…

Fathers and Sons
I will walk across the long slow grass
where the desert sun waits among the stones
and reach down into the heavy earth
and lift your body back into the day.
My hands will swim down through the clay
like white fish who wander in the pools
of underground caves and they will find you
where you lie in the century of your sleep.

My arms will be as huge as the roots of trees,
my shoulders leaves, my hands as delicate
as the wings of fish in white water.
When I find you I will lift you out
into the sun and hold you
the way a son must who is now
as old as you were when you died.
I will lift you in my arms and bear you back.

My breath will blow away the earth
from your eyes and my lips will touch
your lips. They will say the years have been
long. They will speak into your flesh
the word love over and over,
as if it was the first word of the whole
earth. I will dance with you and you
will be as a small child asleep in my arms
as I say to the sun, bless this man who died.

I will hold you then, your hurt mouth curled
into my chest, and take your lost flesh
into me, make of you myself, and when you are
bone of my bone, and blood of my blood,
I will walk you into the hills and sit
alone with you and neither of us
will be ashamed. My hand and your hand.

I will take those two hands and hold them
together, palm against palm, and lift them
and say, this is praise, this is the holding
that is father and son. This I promise you
as I wanted to have promised in the days
of our silence, the nights of our sleeping.

Wait for me. I am coming across the grass
and through the stones. The eyes
of the animals and birds are upon me.
I am walking with my strength.
See, I am almost there.
If you listen you can hear me.
My mouth is open and I am singing.

Patrick Lane

Witness: Selected Poems, 1962-2010
Harbour Publishing

12 Comments

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12 Responses to Memorial Day Re-visited

  1. Liz

    Beautiful, Laura!

  2. Lovely piece, Laura. And lovely to hear that you have found a new place for your father in your heart.

  3. Kathy

    Laura,
    No, we do not choose grief, but at some point in all of our lives it chooses us. The harsh reality of loss can be stifeling and unbearable, but the truth is somehow, some way we do bear it. We do our best to reconcile it and live our daily lives. Some of lessons we learn through grief as unwanted as they are, can be profound and equally heartbreaking. We dream of having one more hug, one more smile, one more conversation where we can express everything that we hold in our heart, It is not possible to physically do this, but the conversation do continue, our thoughts and emotions are heard and understood.
    Today was also the anniversary of the death of a friends brother. Her Mother expressed the significance of this day, for it was May 31, 1979 that she lost her four and a half year old son………….all these years later the scar is just as pronounced as it was all those years ago. We never forget, and always remember.

    “They are not dead who live in lives they leave behind–in those whom they have blessed, they live again.”…….Maya Angelou

  4. Eba

    what a beautiful read Laura, and your book is a perfect example of how to deal with whatever life throws on us, especially loss, as loss comes in many ways. Your book helped me tremendously last year in many ways, I always return to it as a reference. I believe you said in your book that we control how we deal with our circumstances, and I’m happy that you found your way.
    Wishing you all the success.

    • lauramunson

      I’m so glad my book found you and helped you. Thanks for letting me know. Our emotions are our choice. I learn this over and over and forget it over and over and learn it over and over again. Thanks for reading! yrs. Laura

  5. Powerful words giving healing advice: “Maybe what I have learned about the pain that comes with grief has to do with welcoming it. Not resisting it. Knowing that it is going to be part of life now.”
    Thanks, I will remember that.

    • lauramunson

      So glad you responded to that notion. We can love and embrace our pain so that it is absorbed into the flow of who we are. Something like that. Thanks for reaching out. yrs. Laura

  6. Dee

    Dear Laura,
    In 1998, I lost my two closest friends, five weeks apart. And during the next, extremely busy year, I thought I grieved for them. But I hadn’t. I’d pushed the grief to the back of my soul and gone on. Then, a little over a year later, my favorite aunt died. It was then that I could no longer push aside and ignore the grief. For months afterward, while I tried to do my freelance work, I felt myself sloughing through grief as through molasses. Knowing that amidst the sweetness of memory was the pain of loss. Thank you for sharing your loss with me and with all your readers

    • lauramunson

      That’s so much to lose, Dee. So much. Did you read the poem at the end? That really gutted me, but really helped. Sending you healing and oxygen. yrs. Laura

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